An Apology . . .

I have an apology to make to the son and daughters of the particular grandmother that I was talking about. You guys are awesome to me, and I don’t want to you hurt over me running my mouth. Nor from the emotional baggage that I bring to my blog. You all know I have issues with the woman. I suppose we all do, in a way. But I’m not really one to give up on people, no matter how much they hurt me. But, having heard that she wouldn’t be around to have dinner with us over the holidays hurt me WAY too much to not say anything. It’s the one time a year when we’re all together, and she at least TRIES to be nice to me. Her not being there takes that away from me, and THAT, I will not forgive. (geez, what am I? The Godfather?)

I see how both of Empty’s grandmothers are with him and all of their grandkids, and I think “Why the hell can’t SHE be like them. They’re loving. They’re not snakes ready to bite the heads off of all their grandkids.” They may disagree with what they’re kids/ grandkids do at times, but they do not rip out their hearts!!! In fact, I’m jealous of Empty.

Everyone keeps telling me to accept that she’s going to be the way she is. But I don’t think I can. I WANT a good relationship with her. The sad fact is, is that I have a better relationship with Empty’s grandmothers. I think I want to change that. My dad’s side is my own fault. After her teaching me how to knit, I don’t always think I have things to talk about with her. Mom’s side is a mix between my grandmother and I. I think I have just come up with my new years resolution.

To be a better grandchild to my grandparents, no matter what.

That and to keep at my writing.
Anyway, till next time.
Remember, be nice to your loved ones. You never know when they’ll get a complex from it.
Blessed Be and Happy Holidays!

Hey Again Folks!!!

I’m so sorry that I haven’t been back in awhile. I’ve been off working on job applications, as well as taming my Facebook addiction. Yeah. I think I’ll start with the subject of Facebook applications. If any of my friends have noticed that I’ve been fairly quiet on Facebook recently, it’s because I’m frankly getting bored. There’s only so many times that you can go back to each application before you get bored with it. I think that’s happened to so many of the ones I used to like to do. I used to have so many (and even less of a life). Then one day I decided that I only needed several to keep me away from the real world. Almost as a distraction as I eat my breakfast in the morning. Then the ones that I couldn’t do in that hour and a half were cut, due to that time crunch.

As to what I’ve been up to instead of sitting in front of the computer? Well, now that it’s less than a month till the holidays (and MORE importantly, MAGFEST), I’ve been working on my scarfs a lot more.

I want to deliver them the evening of December 21st, so those that want to help me bring them to local hospitals just have to let me know. I’m practically begging for help this year. . . Please. Those that are spending their holidays in the hospital due to chemo treatments need to know that we’re thinking of them and praying for their swift recovery. If you do nothing else to help your community this year, come prepared with home made warm-weather wear.

Another thing I’ve been doing, is working on putting the final touches on Empty’s present. As a Wiccian, Yule is actually early than the Christian holiday of Christmas. But I celebrate both, because my family is the latter. Both sides, actually. As is Empty’s family. So things have been twice as stressful in my apartment. See, it’s hard to go all out on the celebration this year with no money coming in on my end. Therefore, I’m trying to be as frugal as I possibly can. I know with a bad economy this year, ALL of our gifts are apt to be less expensive. That fact makes me feel a bit better, but there are many things that are getting skipped over. Mostly hanging out with my out of state Wiccian friends. That was the first thing to go, really.

Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love my family. They’re the only people that see you for who you really are, and don’t give a flying fuck. They all drive me crazy beyond belief, but they’re great people down below somewhere. Even those that are refusing to say in state because they can’t handle things well. Just because you have some imaginary beef with several members of your family doesn’t mean that you can not show up and try to be civil during the holidays.

I get that my grandmother’s human and has her own issues, but does she HAVE to take it out on everybody but the one she’s supposedly mad at? What the hell am I talking about? It has a lot to deal with something my grandmother told me back a few years ago. It’s kinda personal, and I don’t think she would appreciate me talking about it on the web. But this issue she talked to me about has a lot to do with the bullshit that she’s been spilling into her relationship with my mom, and therefore between her and my sister and I. She doesn’t handle things well. She disappointments the entire family recently by saying that she’s not going to be in the state for the holidays. She doesn’t handle things well. A relationship between her and I has become so poisoned that I was kinda GLAD that the bitch doesn’t want to spread her ugliness around us during the holidays. But the other part of me really wants her to be there. She is, after all, my blood. My grandmother. . .

Another button pusher around holiday time in our family seems to be the difference in religion on my part. But my usual beef with the religion thing will probably ALWAYS apply here, because we just don’t see eye-to-eye on it.

Just so you know, my lack of faith in Jesus as the son of God does not make me evil. I’m still a good person at heart. I just don’t worship the same as most of the known world. I get scared like you all do. I help my fellow man when I can. I believe that there’s some deity out there playing with my fate strings. I know that I don’t completely control my destiny, and I’m okay with that. I use this time of year to prepare for the new year. And by new year I’m referring to Yule, the Winter Solstice (also known as the first day of Winter). I celebrate the light’s returning. I light lots of candles to light the dark until the sunrise. Tell me, would you consider my custom evil?

Anyway, now that I’ve got my rant out of the way, I hope you can understand how much my family’s opinion of me rules the way I view things with them. Back to what I was talking about before I started my rant.

Oh yeah. I was talking about my stress. You can see that celebrating two different holidays can get to you after awhile. I guess I never realized how much I spent on people’s gifts, wrapping paper, and other miscellaneous preparatory stuff until Empty and I moved in together last year. Or how much time it ACTUALLY takes to send out the cards to people. Or how much postage you need to cover everything. Or how much time it takes to knit 15 scarves for people you never met.

You see, I’ve left 5 scarves to the last minute. That’s ANOTHER tick to why I’m stressed. I don’t want to disappoint the Cancer patients during the holiday season by coming up short. Hence my urgent plea for more help. I can’t stress how important that it is for me to make sure we’re prepared for the number of patients spending their holidays in the hospital. You know, Empty having Cancer and spending his 21st birthday in the hospital was bad enough. But to spend the holidays in the hospital and isolated away from their families in the hospital getting the harsh chemo treatments. It breaks my heart. 😦

Oh, and mixed in with all the stress of the holidays, I have to worry about making plans for MAGFEST. As some of Empty’s online friends mentioned last year, we almost have to prepare for every contingency. Almost as if we were going off to war or something. Lots of electronics get put on the list, as well as small foodstuff.

Magfest is great. I’m actually working it this year, and Empty (if you haven’t already seen his posts about the subject) is speed running 5 games in a Charity Marathon. Here’s the link, if you want any more details.

So, with that, I have to worry about how I’m going to do my 25 hours working in the Game room and then go cheer Empty on as he does his speedruns.

So, my current stress level has been gone off the charts because of all that stuff too. But once it is ACTUALLY happening, it’ll all be worth the stress. It always has.

Since we’ve talked, I’ve been working with first graders learn how to read with the Guided Reading program at Maple Hill Elementary School in Naugatuck. It’s awesome to see how much they’ve improved since the beginning of the year. Also, it’s time to be doing some testing with them too. Before they go on Winter Break, Mrs. Fickel (their teacher) has to test them to know where they are in the longer list of words they need to know in order to leave the first grade. Also, Parent-Teacher conferences. I give her a lot of credit for dealing with all this stuff for as long as she has. I had her when I was in first grade. I remember loving her so much, that I wanted to be a teacher. Just like her. Somehow, that dream got sidetracked. I’ve been trying, a lot lately, to find out how I got so far off track from that dream.

I’ve come to love those kids, even the trouble makers. Probably more than I got to love the kids in my U 5/6 soccer team, if that’s at all possible. I can almost see why Mrs. Fickel has kept going with her job. Seeing the couple of groups I’ve worked with improve as much as they have has been very satisfying. Even with the trouble makers and the stress of Parent-Teacher conferences, I can see that Mrs. Fickel feels VERY satisfied with her job at the end of the day. I have begun to see that I want that. Getting there, however, is part of the problem.

Let’s see, I’ve pretty much given up on the calorie count. It wasn’t really getting me anywhere because of the fact that I never wrote anything down as I was chowing down on it. But that’s all I REALLY want to say on the matter.

So before I leave you, I’ll leave you a nugget of information. Empty’s mother got the results of Mitzy’s toxicology report recently. It looks as if the only things in Mitzy’s system that night, were a bit of alcohol and some coffee. We got to find out from that report, that Mitzy had some form of heart problem that she didn’t even share with her sisters. And mind you, they were all so close. . .

Alright folks, time for me to get back to the scarfs and other projects. I hope to see you soon.
Blessed Be and Happy Holidays everyone!